True Confessions:'twilight-new moon'..a cautionary tale

Our trash can is broken. So my wife says, "Let's run over to Bed,Bath and Beyond and pick out a new one, I have a $10 coupon." Kool and the Gang, we purchase a new can and some K-cups, then we go to Starbucks. I'm sipping on my chocolate espresso truffle, next thing I know my black ass is stitting in the AMC holding a giant pretzel watching previews, all of which should go straight to DVD and Robert Pattinson is in every one of them.

Anyway my review, obviously I didn't read any of the series of books but this grungy girl's boyfriend leaves her, he's a vampire who drives a Volvo, uses rear-view mirrors, goes to class, attends cocktail parties, wears crosses, lights candles, get they picture taken, buys garlic cloves at Publix, just does a bunch of things your average vampire doesn't do.

Grungy lady does dangerous, suicidal things to herself throughout the flick to see if her vampire-ex is still looking out for her including extreme motorcycling, hooking up with an entire motorcycle gang, moodily staring out the window for six months straight, not talking to her friends, slapping werewolves upside the head and cliff diving. I'm hoping all the time at some point she's successful so I can go home and watch football.

Personally, I thought she should have hung with the werewolves, but Courtney Love ends up flying to Italy to attend an Adam Lambert concert in a cathedral and to save her vampire boyfriend who was fixing to reveal himself (get publicly buck nekkid) at the Feast of the Miracle of St. Annas. Now, I may have told you the ending but I wouldn't know, I had to pee and soon the entire restroom was full so the film mercifully must have ended.

I rate a movie not by thumbs, but how it hurts your ass to sit through it. Using theatre chairs, its an inverse scale like golf, so the less theatre chairs the better. Sorry to say, 'twilight new-moon' gets 4 out of 5 chairs it was almost like the ass whuppin I got for lighting my drumsticks afire then playing them on the cardboard ice cream containers in the house. No worse than the argument I would of had to sit through if I didn't go to the movie.